So I'm happy. That's it, just happy. It's still kind of weird to just sit back and not be fretting about something. It's been months but still...I haven't thrown the old sweater out just yet.
I probably SHOULD be fretting about the vacation. I've not planned a whole lot (letting C take care of all that; it's his thing), I've a list of stuff I have to accumulate to make this happen, I've got a weird and potentially awkward weekend of "planning and fixing" to endure, and of course I'm kind of broke. But. I'm just not fretting. I mean obviously it's on my mind somewhat as I'm talking about it, but I guess I mean it's just not stressing me out. It will all come together. Everything has a way of working out. Yes yes, I need action and I will take it, but I'm not going to stress about it.
Most people are going to literally shit a bush when they find out I'm doing this trip. Of course I've long since stopped caring what other people think, but it would be nice if they would just STFU. I mean COME ON do they really think C is going anywhere? Sheesh. If any of you are reading this, I'm just pretty damned happy we seemed to have found our groove, and frankly, I need to go on this particular venture and I don't see anyone else volunteering to come along.
Really, I NEED to get away and all my other plans were just..sucky. I don't want to go on a "holiday" to trade one crowded and noisy city for another. The cruise to Alaska thing was a great idea, but completely not financially feasible.
When I first saw the pics of the Oregon coast, like, two years ago when C brought them up, I was all "OOOOOOOH MYYYY GOOOOD I must go there". Pretty sure he feels the same way. Essentially we are both drawn there for some reason (well okay, the ocean and mountains don't hurt considering that's individually our thing).
Going with C, well, we get along. When camping we communicate by zen; he drives and I go "Oooh and aah". I sometimes navigate. We just go from place to place and get out of the car and just go. Often we don't talk about what we are doing. When we are doing something like setting up camp or cooking, we just start DOING it. We don't cheap out and get ice cream when we feel like it (or beer). We like to take pictures, we like to hike. We both like a lot of the same stuff. So it's like going on vacation with well, myself. Besides, the kid really likes him.
It's not a justification. I'm familiar with the fact I have a history of doing that and I have learned from my past errors. Besides, if I want to stick my finger in the light socket, I'm aware of the consequences. I'm just saying I'm very happy with my decision and it will be a highlight of my life. I am certain of that.
Anyway. Back online dating. I lasted a whole two weeks on one site, and met one absolute DOOZY and a whole bunch of serial chatters. The other site is designed to take your time, so I'm more comfortable with that. Since it's a paid site, the ones with whom I'm communicating are obviously paying so they are a bit more serious than the "free" guys.
Yeah, the doozy. Well I won't repeat what went down, but suffice to say he went from pretty good potential to EWWW quite quickly. I'm mostly relieved I found out far sooner than later. Thanks Universe!
I vacillate on whether or not I even want a long term thing, as some days I like coming home, peeling off my bra and watching reality tv. I don't like sharing a bed. I like to just go do, well, stuff on my own. I kind of don't want to share my equity with someone (I know, selfish, but really). And....I really don't like the beginning of relationships. It's a friggin mine field at my age. Sure I have my own baggage, but it's now contained in a carry-on I can sling over my shoulder (that I mostly toss in a corner of the room and forget it when I leave). Also, I stayed off them earlier because of the trip, and most of them aren't too happy I'm going for a month as that kills momentum, and it's pretty hard to find a guy who accepts the going with a male friend (woo, just wait until they hear we have HISTORY...SNORK). Oh well, what I have learned from this is loyalty, and if they can't trust me or are going to judge me for it, well then, they aren't for me. I won't be choosing a friend over mere potential.
So anyway, I'm talking to a couple of good guys so we'll see how it goes. It's nice to date and just go with the flow. A couple of years ago I was a desperado and would have dating just anyone. Now, I'm picky and taking my time and the right guy will come along at the right time.
In the meantime, I'm just living life with no expectations. Kind of weird in a sense as the end of the summer will bring about a whole bunch of change where I don't know what it looks like. Usually I have everything planned out to a "t". For awhile I cared about that, and fretted about that, and now I'm just enjoying the ride. I do hope that I get a fire under my ass and go make the radical changes (job, place of residence) I've been putting off for far too long. I've got books to get published, money to make (and yes, that's a deliberate choice and part of the master plan), future travel plans to make and whatever else comes my way. I'm constantly creating something.
I've also stopped worrying about what is going to happen with..what's his name. I don't worry about what our relationship (friendship) will look like, or what form it will have. I don't worry about what he's doing and I don't feel insecure in any way. In fact, I feel more confident about ME, as in the past few months dealing with him again, I've learned that I am the cheese and that I can stand on my own. I can be mad at him, not like him sometimes, and not agree with the decisions he makes but I can still be me and be his friend. I'm pretty happy we finally got there. All I know is that we are going to have a kick ass time and I'm just not thinking of August 7th when I'm back to reality.
It's all good, and I'm not just saying that....
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