Gimmee 6 Months and I'll Give you Results...

That's what my infomercial tag line would be, given my last post.

Life Really Is Pretty Good

So when we last heard random ramblings from me, it was June. I was heavily into the online dating scene, and was prepping for a trip to Oregon with What's His Name?. Well, I'm sure you can read below if so inclined to catch up.

So, have I been able to tantalize you into an update? Does your inquiring mind want to know what's going on with the Troll? Are you on the edge of your seat? Well my friends, fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a long ride. Bwahahahahaaaaa!

Well Oregon was outstanding, you must really think of checking it out if you've not already done so. I swear, it hosts the most spellbinding scenery you'll ever lay eyes on, and the entire State is rife with the most pleasant people on this Earth. Yes, seriously, nice Americans. They even know where Canada is. I swear! We also did a bit of California (home of the not-so-nicest Americans ever), Washington State (skip Mt. St. Helen's, long drive in and out and you can experience the desolation from the comfort of your own home), Idaho, Montana (Glacier is outstanding) and the mountain parks of Alberta and BC. All in all it was 7,000 km in 22 days. As usual, I had an outstanding time with my PLATONIC-AND-I-LIKE-IT-THAT-WAY partner and the kidlet. Smashing, simply smashing.

Upon returning, I promptly started that whole online dating thing. *sigh* It's all pretty much a blur. For for the most part I just stopped going out on dates almost entirely as no-one was giving my toes the tinglies (more perfectly-fine-for-someone-else Alberta boys). My experiences in the spring had pretty much killed off any desire to go forth with most of it anyway as it usually turned out, well, weird. I think I showered and prepped for a date AND left the house a total of 3 times between September and late January to go on a date (hrm, let's see....Montana's dude, dude who got me Macademia nuts instead of flowers and oooh...heh...yeah 3).

Anyway....

Instead of being depressed about it, I just continued on with my Goddess training. You know, I'd give myself a manicure, tell myself I loved me, would go to the grocery store on a Saturday night oozing Goddessness. I'd go to work as a Goddess, I'd drive my car as a Goddess and I'd surf the Internet as a Goddess. I stayed on the one dating site, you know, just to keep my options open. Really since a Goddess such as myself was on a dating site, there had to be a GOD for me there too? Right? Since I was a Goddess and am into that whole Law of Attraction thing, I knew I deserved what I desired, so I pretty much thought I'd just leave it all up to the big guy. I was a pretty happy camper.

"You Had Me at Marillion"

So one day (Saturday Jan 16th) I'm yapping with this guy on the dating site, er, sending emails back and forth. Nice guy, but the spidey senses were tingling that he wouldn't appreciate this particular Goddess. What I mean, is that I'd physically be TOO much Goddess for him, and it turns out I was correct. No biggie. While mailing I was bored, so I went profile surfing. I remember clicking on a particular profile and thinking "Jeeezus, I keep clicking on this same profile, man, what's up with that?" Months and months of clicking on this one particular profile over and over again and pretty much ignoring it. I ignored it AGAIN and finished my conversation with the tall dude who ended up saying "This will never go anywere". I was like "Ya ya ya, have a good one".

So I clicked on the mystery profile AGAIN. This time I sat there really thinking about it for a second. "Why do I keep clicking this profile? Have I even read it? I dunno. I should probably read it. Read it, stupid". So I read it. It was a very amusing diatribe about online dating, and how he was going to quit online dating, some rant about cats (because he's allergic), and the best-ever rant about Tim Horton's first dates. Funny stuff. He lives out of town too, so maybe that's why I never mailed him, don't know really. It's all a blur. ANYWAY, I mailed him a kudos on the excellent profile without really hitting on him (because of the allergic to cats thing and the distance thing). He emailed me back commenting on my love for progressive rock and how rare it is for a chick to like it, etc. He directed me to some pages on Facebook. I go there, see that HIS band is doing a live project on my favourite band Marillion. OMG, no way. So I email him back saying "So, would you be impressed if I told you Marillion was my favourite band". I don't remember the response, but remember him typing a lot of stuff about Marillion. I honestly don't even recall the exact sequence of events, but it went sort of like this:

Him: "OMG wow, yap yap yap about Marillion and the band and stuff. You should come to our gig. Here's some more stuff about me, a bit, blah blah blah".

Me: "Wow, no way. Wow. Holy crap. Yeah, um, wow. I'm in love? Wow. *cough* *mini-freakout*.

I think by Sunday he called me on the phone. I don't remember. I'm sure we did, talk on the phone that is. Not important, I digress. I just recall I had enough information about him to know I wanted to meet him NOW.

Monday brought him into town for a band rehearsal, so we agreed that we'd try to do a meet afterwards. I met him on Monday January 18th at 11:45 Pm at a nearby Denny's. We talked for 3 1/2 hours and had to almost be dragged by angry horses away from each other. I actually went to work the next day.

Okay, so let's fast forward a bit (personal bits don't ya know, I'm not quenching your thirst for T knowledge so easily). So we've been doing that "new" couple thing now for a few weeks. Yap on the phone for 5 hours, spend as much time together as possible given life circumstances, you know the story. I got the pleasure of meeting one of his brothers and a whack of his good friends at one of his gigs last weekend. He's met my kid and a couple of my friends, etc.

He treats me like the Goddess that I am. He is funny, intelligent, cute as hell, a really nice person, honest, reliable, handy, has a nice butt, loves his kids friends parents siblings, and totally 100% gets me. He is truly a gift.

And yes, he really does say that I "Had him at Marillion".

So I met someone, big deal. Yes, big deal.

Ask, Believe, Receive

The point is, and always has been, that the laws of the Universe work, you really just have to Ask, Believe and Receive.

Last Sunday night, I was going through some of the stuff I have sitting around. I have this old diary I used to write goals and life lessons in when I was on my Jasper retreat (not ironically two years ago). The very first goal/desire I had in there was to be involved in a "Happy, Healthy, Functional and Forever Relationship with a Man". Then I had made a list of what kinds of qualities this man would have. I've since spent a lot of time meditating on that and believing that someone was going to come along at some point who would be that man. I KNEW he was out there, I just had to be the Goddess-in-waiting. Anyway, I read that list and realized it was S; 100%. Woah. (No pressure, honey, hahahahhaaaa).

And you know, you really have to wonder about his profile continuously coming up in my path. You just know that the Universe was NOT going to let me ignore it. "Come ON, LOOK AT IT, sheesh. What's wrong with you two? Why aren't you emailing each other. My GOD!" So now the Universe sighs a breath of relief having done a job well done.

It's such a cliche, but when you quit looking, there it is.

So yeah, good news, eh? I know I'm grinning like a cheshire cat. Now to get off my butt and create that great job.

Cheers,
T

Testing Something New

I've been reading a lot in the past and lately about how to put out certain energy, and then how to "reap" results of putting out the right kind of energy.

The trick is you have to really FEEL it in order for it to work.

So, what I've been doing is I've been a practicing Goddess. That's right, practicing. Now I have people in my life who stoke my ego up pretty good (Thanks G), and I DO feel MOST of the time that I'm pretty alright. No, pretty awesome. Of course we all have fat days, grumpy days, etc. What I've been trying to do is to be AWESOME all the time. This is a bit tough when things go wrong, but I think the point of the exercise is to use your awesome-ness for any situation or occasion.

At work my awesomeness has resulted in a lot of tough work getting done. Last week I had a very productive week.

In my personal life, the awesomeness has not resulted in many men banging down my door at all. Instead it seems that my FRIENDS have responded quite well to my awesomeness which has resulted in me feeling even more awesome. LOL

This weekend, well yesterday, I decided to practice some general awesomeness while I spent a day with someone where we just got through a rather un-awesome rift. I got up, promptly looked in the mirror and told myself how awesome I was and how awesome and FUN the day was going to be. I showered, got dressed in normal and not terribly awesome clothing. I was good to go and soon I was out the door. I kept noting to myself how nice it was outside "AWESOME", how traffic was pretty good despite construction season "AWESOME".

The cool thing was that I was laughing and NOTHING stressed me out. There was no overthinking anything, or stressing about what anyone else was thinking. I was making sure we were getting done what we needed to, and that we did it in the most, well, awesome way. In the end it was a very productive and happy day.

Anyway, the experiment being a success, marked mostly by others' reactions during and afterwards. And, I feel awesome! LOL I feel like I've got the world by the well, you know what and that it's ALL going to work out.

It's just freaking awesome.

Random Stuff..I Just Need to Write Tonight

So I'm happy. That's it, just happy. It's still kind of weird to just sit back and not be fretting about something. It's been months but still...I haven't thrown the old sweater out just yet.

I probably SHOULD be fretting about the vacation. I've not planned a whole lot (letting C take care of all that; it's his thing), I've a list of stuff I have to accumulate to make this happen, I've got a weird and potentially awkward weekend of "planning and fixing" to endure, and of course I'm kind of broke. But. I'm just not fretting. I mean obviously it's on my mind somewhat as I'm talking about it, but I guess I mean it's just not stressing me out. It will all come together. Everything has a way of working out. Yes yes, I need action and I will take it, but I'm not going to stress about it.

Most people are going to literally shit a bush when they find out I'm doing this trip. Of course I've long since stopped caring what other people think, but it would be nice if they would just STFU. I mean COME ON do they really think C is going anywhere? Sheesh. If any of you are reading this, I'm just pretty damned happy we seemed to have found our groove, and frankly, I need to go on this particular venture and I don't see anyone else volunteering to come along.

Really, I NEED to get away and all my other plans were just..sucky. I don't want to go on a "holiday" to trade one crowded and noisy city for another. The cruise to Alaska thing was a great idea, but completely not financially feasible.

When I first saw the pics of the Oregon coast, like, two years ago when C brought them up, I was all "OOOOOOOH MYYYY GOOOOD I must go there". Pretty sure he feels the same way. Essentially we are both drawn there for some reason (well okay, the ocean and mountains don't hurt considering that's individually our thing).

Going with C, well, we get along. When camping we communicate by zen; he drives and I go "Oooh and aah". I sometimes navigate. We just go from place to place and get out of the car and just go. Often we don't talk about what we are doing. When we are doing something like setting up camp or cooking, we just start DOING it. We don't cheap out and get ice cream when we feel like it (or beer). We like to take pictures, we like to hike. We both like a lot of the same stuff. So it's like going on vacation with well, myself. Besides, the kid really likes him.

It's not a justification. I'm familiar with the fact I have a history of doing that and I have learned from my past errors. Besides, if I want to stick my finger in the light socket, I'm aware of the consequences. I'm just saying I'm very happy with my decision and it will be a highlight of my life. I am certain of that.

Anyway. Back online dating. I lasted a whole two weeks on one site, and met one absolute DOOZY and a whole bunch of serial chatters. The other site is designed to take your time, so I'm more comfortable with that. Since it's a paid site, the ones with whom I'm communicating are obviously paying so they are a bit more serious than the "free" guys.

Yeah, the doozy. Well I won't repeat what went down, but suffice to say he went from pretty good potential to EWWW quite quickly. I'm mostly relieved I found out far sooner than later. Thanks Universe!

I vacillate on whether or not I even want a long term thing, as some days I like coming home, peeling off my bra and watching reality tv. I don't like sharing a bed. I like to just go do, well, stuff on my own. I kind of don't want to share my equity with someone (I know, selfish, but really). And....I really don't like the beginning of relationships. It's a friggin mine field at my age. Sure I have my own baggage, but it's now contained in a carry-on I can sling over my shoulder (that I mostly toss in a corner of the room and forget it when I leave). Also, I stayed off them earlier because of the trip, and most of them aren't too happy I'm going for a month as that kills momentum, and it's pretty hard to find a guy who accepts the going with a male friend (woo, just wait until they hear we have HISTORY...SNORK). Oh well, what I have learned from this is loyalty, and if they can't trust me or are going to judge me for it, well then, they aren't for me. I won't be choosing a friend over mere potential.

So anyway, I'm talking to a couple of good guys so we'll see how it goes. It's nice to date and just go with the flow. A couple of years ago I was a desperado and would have dating just anyone. Now, I'm picky and taking my time and the right guy will come along at the right time.

In the meantime, I'm just living life with no expectations. Kind of weird in a sense as the end of the summer will bring about a whole bunch of change where I don't know what it looks like. Usually I have everything planned out to a "t". For awhile I cared about that, and fretted about that, and now I'm just enjoying the ride. I do hope that I get a fire under my ass and go make the radical changes (job, place of residence) I've been putting off for far too long. I've got books to get published, money to make (and yes, that's a deliberate choice and part of the master plan), future travel plans to make and whatever else comes my way. I'm constantly creating something.

I've also stopped worrying about what is going to happen with..what's his name. I don't worry about what our relationship (friendship) will look like, or what form it will have. I don't worry about what he's doing and I don't feel insecure in any way. In fact, I feel more confident about ME, as in the past few months dealing with him again, I've learned that I am the cheese and that I can stand on my own. I can be mad at him, not like him sometimes, and not agree with the decisions he makes but I can still be me and be his friend. I'm pretty happy we finally got there. All I know is that we are going to have a kick ass time and I'm just not thinking of August 7th when I'm back to reality.

It's all good, and I'm not just saying that....

Come on in, the water is FINE

Wow. Once in awhile, well okay every day, I have these experiences that really hit home how far I've come.

Tonite I talked to my best friend (well okay, the female one as I also talked to my fave guy friend too) and she had a run-in with a coworker and just wanted to vent. She's a terrific person, but has a hard time struggling with SELF. This coworker of hers just gets under her skin; she's demanding, lazy, bossy and kind of mean. My friend always lets this coworker get under her skin. Anyway, I let her vent. Then I said to her "XXXXX you aren't responsible for what XXXXX thinks, does or feels. You can't MAKE her act any way at all. You treat people with love and respect and you can't demand it from anyone. Besides, you ROCK...you're smart, beautiful, funny, respectful, a true friend, loving and just all-around AWESOME. Why do you need her validation, approval or respect?"

On the other end of the phone I could just hear a deep breath being taken in, sort of in that wavering sort of way like she was holding back tears. Quietly, she replied "Thank you". It was all she needed to hear and have. It really is that simple.

I went on to explain that life is much better when you realize these things. You go out in the world and treat everyone with love and respect, like the everyone in the world is your family. Are you going to get it in return from absolutely everyone? No, you aren't and you shouldn't expect it. But give it out and suddenly it's easy to have a smile on your face.

This was all interesting because someone at work today was marginally frustrating me. Did I get mad? No, I simply went back to my desk and silently blessed her and asked the universe for some clarity to a problem I was having. Then it was back to work, with a smile on my face. Months ago I would have gone outside and walked around the block muttering to myself, went back to my desk and started to look for another job. Drama queen!

Later on I was killing some time before an appointment, and I saw this elderly lady crossing the street. She looked pretty unhappy. As I walked near to her, I smiled broadly and made eye contact with her. She smiled broadly back and nodded to me. I kept on walking and felt SOOOO good. It feels good to just feel good. Really, I feel good MOST of the time.

Heck, come to think of it I have another example today of how far I've come. I asked someone to call me or MSN me, and this person didn't. Instead of being disappointed and well, mad, I busy myself with something else and got distracted. Later on I got an email saying "Hey, I'm off to bed as I have to get up early. *hugs*" Ooooh yeah...cool. A few months ago this incident with this person would have pissed me off or had me "Oh this person doesn't want to talk to me, how rude, boo hoo hoo". Today nothing but a song in my heart. Heck, everyday there is a song in my heart. Put one in yours. Go ahead, I double dog dare ya.

Violence and Sappy Movies

I don't watch much tv. I quit watching the news years ago, because it's all so bad and I just felt terrible after watching it. I still follow US politics (yay, an election year) but I get my fix on ccn.com. I fell out of watching most tv due to my studies, and was finding that I just didn't have the attention span to watch anything where I'd either figure out who-dunnit or the punchline a good half an hour before it was revealed via the plot.

Of course non-of the Masters recommend watching tv because you should be off your ass doing something productive; mainly because it doesn't get one "vibrating" at the right frequency. It's full of negativity, violence, bad news...and here's the thing...it's all external and has nothing to do with you. Why watch any of that and feel bad??

Tonight my family was over for a visit, and Dad of course has to watch the news for the 3rd time today. Brother had to watch the news. The headlines? "Expectant Moms Who Drink Coffee Increase Risk for Miscarriage", "Instead of Planning a Wedding, She's Planning a Funeral", "Stock Market Crashes (OMG THE SKY IS FALLING)". I was so indifferent to it all. I know that sounds callous, but I am. It has nothing to do with me. The family was shocked when I announced the "No more news in my house" rule. I'm the Social Studies major in the house, but those who don't learn from history are destined to repeat it. Nothing has ever been solved by anyone staring at the tv and shaking in their boots from the horror of it all.

Anyway, it all got me thinking. My aversion to violence started 10 years ago when I was pregnant with A. I used to love going to see action movies or thrillers. I loved the shooting, the plots, the angst. I went to see "Face/Off" and was absolutely horrified. Maybe it was the baby inside my body and not being able to handle the scene where a 4 year-old was shot, but I walked out of it and had nightmares for days afterwards. I thought then, and I think now "Is it necessary to be witness to horror, pain, sadness, violence? What good does it serve?"

So yeah, anyway...fast forward to about 9 years later. I find that I just don't watch that stuff anymore, and if I do, I don't enjoy it at all. I remember early on in my relationship with the tall guy I was at his place and we were going to watch a movie. He chose this French film called "Manon of the Spring". It's actually two movies, and the basic premise is that this city family moves to the country to take over a flourishing vineyard from a family member that had passed on. The thing is that there was this spring that flowed through the property that was coveted by a neighbour--a greedy neighbour. So he damned up the spring so he could get all the water. The city man tried to bring this vineyard back to it's glory, but alas he could not. He ends up killing himself. In the second movie, the greedy neighbour falls in love with is daughter, but she finds out that he was the one who "killed" her father. There's this scene where the lovesick neighbour is chasing her up a hill shouting "Manon! Manon! J'Taime! J'Taime!". He of course regretted what he had done because he loved her so, but she was too heartbroken and betrayed to hear him out.

I remember thinking that because the tall guy is such a GUY he would want to watch something like, I dunno, Armegeddon. Sure he watches that stuff once in awhile, but he LOVED that movie. I remember during that hill scene, I was saying "He got what he deserved" and the tall guy was saying "I feel sorry for him, he loves her so much and there is nothing he would be able to do make it right and his heartsickness is his penance" or something to that effect.

So what did that teach me? Well, not to make assumptions about anyone (tall guy loves sappy well-acted and well-written movies), and that although the greedy neighbour created his world, there is always room in this world for love and forgiveness.

You don't need to watch violence and suffering to be entertained. I learned that that day too.

Love

I love telling people I love them. I get all sorts of reactions.

"Um, thanks"

"Run away"

"Wow, awesome"

"I love you too"

The thing is, I love everyone and everything. I feel like I'm constantly running in slow motions through a field of daisies. Heh.

This sort of bliss is awesome, and it's brought to me and EVERYONE out there by the natural laws of the universe.

I find inspiration in the strangest places. Tonight I watched the only show I watch with any regularity: The Amazing Race. There's this one team who just couldn't catch a break and they never gave up. The man, Jason, was so supportive of his girlfriend, Lorena who had a tendency to melt down. So they were in last place, and then had to go and redo a task because another team forced them to (a strategy of the game). They NEVER gave up, but the last scene was the two of them going to the "pit stop" knowing they were last and they STILL never gave up. But it was the way they supported each other and the way they looked at each other that was unforgettable. Frankly, it brought a tear to my eye.

In my life improvement studies I keep coming across this concept of love. It's pretty much the basis for all life. It's not defined by romance, rather a purity of heart -- a goodness if you will. I absolutely and emphatically view everything and everyone with this purity of heart --this love. It was so AWESOME to see it in a tv show, and a reality one at that.

Go on, love. It's awesome.

Hmmm...That's Strange

So...I'm cranky today. I didn't wake up cranky. I didn't go to sleep cranky.

I woke up early and pretty much got my clothes on to fulfill my committment to my mother to clean out some of A's toys from her house. It really wasn't that big of a task and the bonus was that I got a bowl of Mom's oatmeal, a couple of pots of coffee, and a visit with a friend out of the deal. So that didn't make me cranky.

The crankiness only evolved around 3 pm when no-one called me to go out tonight. So I justified it by saying "Well, I don't want to go out anyway". I do, actually, but only if a magic Genie appears to do my hair, give me some nice clothes, and drive my ass there. So that didn't make me cranky, really.

Besides, I enjoyed 3 bottles of nice Merlot with my neighbour and got kinda snackered (oh yeah, and had violate the email and Merlot rule).

Getting home, I did some laundry, had a bath and a nap, and then cleaned some more. That didn't make me cranky, either.

So what did

I know. I'm alone today. I've been such a good girl wishing for stuff, being positive, happy, spreading love and joy and I feel like I have none today. So that made me cranky.

I'm frustrated that despite the results all around me, things just aren't going my way, DAMMIT!

Then I read E's blog. It was very much a "Woah" moment for me. Sure things are going swimminly for her, but really, it's the changes in her attitude and outlook that have brought those on. Those "rewards" as they are, didn't happen overnight. She at one point almost lost it all in a tough moment. So there's my inspiration...suddenly I'm not so cranky.

Mmmm...perpective....